Terrible drinks

[phillygirl]

I went to a wedding this weekend. They served a "signature drink" (I guess that's now a thing). It was a "Something Blue" Blue Caracao drink. Blue Caracao, vodka, sprite and lemonade. Oh. My. God. I thought I was going to go into a diabetic coma. It was so sweet and disgusting!!

What's the worst drink you ever had?

Oh, but the wedding was lovely, just a really bad drink.

[Frostbit]

Ouzo

[phillygirl]

Ouzo

I don't mind ouzo. It tastes a bit like sambuca. But ever since my roommate and I drank a full bottle one night, for my 18th birthday, I can't really drink it. My roommate, on the other hand, will actually vomit if you drink it and say hello to her!

[Adam]

Klingon blood wine.

I'm teasing, of course, but there definitely are bad drinks out there. And of course everyone's taste is different: I know multiple people who think that gin is absolutely disgusting and tastes like cough medicine (it was, in fact, developed specifically for the purpose for dissolving medicines, particularly quinine). Personally, I find a good gin to be light and refreshing. A nice, peppery gin with plenty of juniper flavor mixed with tonic water and a twist of lime and poured over ice is just lovely to me on a hot summer's day. But, again, I know people who almost retch at the thought of that. For me, that retch-point is darker beers. Lots and lots of people just love to drink, say, Guinness. I find a beer that one has to drink by utilizing a knife and fork to be absurd and not pleasant to drink at any time, whether it's hot or cold. Give me a light lager or pilsner and I'm a happy clam.

I have never liked champagne or any of its variants (prosecco, etc.). It's just never been pleasant to drink for me. If I'm at a wedding or something and someone is toasting, I'll take a perfunctory sip of the champagne and then I'll put it down on a table an abandon it, quite on purpose. Just not my thing. Same goes for port. Despite my culture being generally deeply British in its roots, port just is not my thing. Back before it got really popularized in the U.S., I stayed at a B&B outside of Cambridge. At least then (and I suppose still today) most of these places had strict curfews: these were someone's actual home where they lived and got up to go to a regular job in the morning and they didn't want drunken tourists stumbling in at 2:00 in the morning. Anyway, at this particular place, I'm pretty sure that it's physically impossible for the owners to have been more stereotypically English: one was expected to be dressed well and shaven and the like before presenting oneself for breakfast: no shuffling downstairs wearing sweatpants and slippers to get bacon and some toast. The wife served high tea promptly at 2:30 in the afternoon, and if you were there in the house at the time your presence, dressed quite smartly, was absolutely expected and would earn you the stink-eye if you left in the early or didn't attend. Anyway, the patriarch of the house had dictated an 8:00 PM curfew and if one was male in residence, attendance for port and cigars was compulsory at 8:30 PM sharp in the study, where there was a fire burning to embers and the owner would corner anyone during this time and ask them about their opinion on this or that story in the Financial Times or whatever. And he would say, "Finish your port, my boy! I want to discuss America with you!" So I would have to choke down that gak and talk to the guy for an hour or more about stuff he certainly already knew from the tele anyway.


But for bad mixed drinks, my answer is probably "most of them." Barmen across the world are forever tinkering with this or that in and attempt to come up with some new recipe that will take the world by storm, becoming the next Margarita or whatever. But with very little exception, they are actually spectacular failures, IMO. I was dating someone back in the early '90s who just absolutely adored something called a "lemon drop." It is basically a very strong lemonade (or perhaps there is some manner of lemon liqueur?) mixed with a simple syrup and white rum and it does, indeed, taste just like a lemon drop that one would get from a store or whatever, but there's a reason that I don't sit around and eat actual lemon drops all day. I can have just one or two to suck on and that will do me for, oh, about a decade or so. But Sherry loved these things and ordered them like water everywhere we went, and I would be mandated to take a sip and "critique" this one compared to the one that she had ordered on Tuesday night somewhere. No wonder that dating scene didn't last long....

Her: "This one's better than the one that Bobby made the other night. Here, taste!"
Me: :erfunctory sip:: (under my breath whenever possible) "GUNH!"
Me, with a pasted smile on my face in an attempt to hide he grimace that lay beneath: "Yes, that's definitely different. The hint of lemon there really makes the difference...."
Her: "I know, right?! It's like they're two different drinks!"
Me: "How about we order some baked clams? I don't care for seafood at all, but perhaps I could chew on the shells to get this God-awful taste out of my mouth..."
Her: "Oh, I was in the mood for potato skins...."

[Celeste Chalfonte]

Martini. Any martini.

As for a decent drink made badly, I had a spectacularly bad Virgin Mary. I haven't consumed much alcohol anyway in the past 30 years or so - a glass of wine or a beer a couple of times a month, if that - but I quit drinking alcohol when I started my current regime of low-carb, low-fat eating. Before COVID, a bunch of people from the office went out to a bar known for its greyhounds. I probably should've just ordered grapefruit juice over ice, but they had a full bar, so I foolishly assumed they knew how to make other cocktails. I ordered a Virgin Mary, had to explain it was "like a Bloody Mary without alcohol," and got a glass of tomato juice over ice. For $6.50.

ETA: Totally agree with Adam on dark beers and champagne.

[scott]

Cement Mixers are the definition of terrible.

Bailey's and lime or lemon juice.

The lime juice curdles the Bailey's and make this god awful sticky nonsense.

They are funny to serve as joke drinks though.

[80zephyr]

Ouzo

When my family had a tavern, we noticed that most people who drank that stuff started fights.

Lol.

Mark

[phillygirl]

Martini. Any martini.

As for a decent drink made badly, I had a spectacularly bad Virgin Mary. I haven't consumed much alcohol anyway in the past 30 years or so - a glass of wine or a beer a couple of times a month, if that - but I quit drinking alcohol when I started my current regime of low-carb, low-fat eating. Before COVID, a bunch of people from the office went out to a bar known for its greyhounds. I probably should've just ordered grapefruit juice over ice, but they had a full bar, so I foolishly assumed they knew how to make other cocktails. I ordered a Virgin Mary, had to explain it was "like a Bloody Mary without alcohol," and got a glass of tomato juice over ice. For $6.50.

ETA: Totally agree with Adam on dark beers and champagne.

Funny, I've thought about ordering a virgin mary, but honestly assumed I'd get what you got and don't want to pay the 11.00 for it!

[phillygirl]

Cement Mixers are the definition of terrible.

Bailey's and lime or lemon juice.

The lime juice curdles the Bailey's and make this god awful sticky nonsense.

They are funny to serve as joke drinks though.

That sounds disgusting. Bailey's on ice, or straight, is a wonderful drink, but it's like chocolate milk to me. I can not possibly sip it, it just goes straight done in one gulp and makes me look like an old alcoholic!

[Adam]

Martini. Any martini.

Bah! Bane of my existence back when I drank (which I say making it sound like I was 30 years ago or something). It's virtually impossible to get a decent martini nowadays, which, I think, is why people often hate them so much. It amazes me that people actually get through bartender school and yet still somehow can't manage to make a good martini or even know what one is. It's like getting through Le Cordon Bleu without learning how to scramble and egg.

Typical conversation I would have going out somewhere....

Bar wench: "Welcome to Bubba's Wing and Crab Outhouse (or Applebee's or Château Jean or pretty much anywhere else one can name). Can I get your started with a drink?"
Me, hot and parched from a long day at work: "Yes, I'd like a martini, please. Dry, two olives, not in the least bit dirty."
Bar wench: "Sure. What kind of vodka do you want?"
Me: "None. I ordered a martini, not a screwdriver. Here's my driver's license. Does it say 'James Bond' on there? No, it does not. Just because Ian Flemming decided to crash the earth into the sun with his idiotic concoction doesn't mean that I'm forced to endure it."
Bar wench: *puzzled look on face*
Me: *sighs, yet again* "Martinis are made with gin, not vodka, m'lady. Vodka, while sometimes pleasant, is the fermented juice of actual peasants in Siberia. They squeeze those people for their juices and then ferment it or something. Gin is quite different, and that's what a martini is made of, not potato hash from the fucking tundra.

OK, so what you do to make an actual martini is you take a chilled conical glass, and you put about 4-5 drops of vermouth in the bottom of the cone. You then carefully carefully turn the glass, holding it by the stem, to let the vermouth 'wash' the inside of the glass where the rest of the martini will be, then waste the remainder down the drain and strain very cold gi—"
Bar wench: "What's vermouth?'"
Me: "It's a type of fortified wine, dry, infused with different botanicals for flavor. Every respectable bar has a stock of it."
Bar wench: *screws up face in confusion* "OK I'll check. And do you want that dirty?"
Me: "No. That's why I specifically said I don't want it dirty in the first place. If I wanted to drink salt water with olives, I would do it at home. I do not want the olive brine in my martini at all, so set the olives aside and let them dry on a paper towel before spearing them and putting them into the martini."
Bar wench: "What's 'brine?'"
Me: "Fuck it. I'll have a Bud Lite on tap, please."

[Celeste Chalfonte]

I last had a martini well over 30 years ago, in a very upscale bar in SF, with a confirmed martini aficionado and a bartender about 25 years older than either of us. I'm sure it was a very good martini...if you like gin. I think gin smells like public bathroom deodorizer and tastes like Evening in Paris (scroll down to the 3rd comment - I agree).

[phillygirl]

I last had a martini well over 30 years ago, in a very upscale bar in SF, with a confirmed martini aficionado and a bartender about 25 years older than either of us. I'm sure it was a very good martini...if you like gin. I think gin smells like public bathroom deodorizer and tastes like Evening in Paris (scroll down to the 3rd comment - I agree).

I hate gin as well, but love a good vodka martini. In order to not get too loaded, I make my own fake one...vodka, club and some olives.

[80zephyr]

I last had a martini well over 30 years ago, in a very upscale bar in SF, with a confirmed martini aficionado and a bartender about 25 years older than either of us. I'm sure it was a very good martini...if you like gin. I think gin smells like public bathroom deodorizer and tastes like Evening in Paris (scroll down to the 3rd comment - I agree).

My brother used to drink gin and tonic. Smelled like he was drinking a Christmas tree.

Mark

[Celeste Chalfonte]

My brother used to drink gin and tonic. Smelled like he was drinking a Christmas tree.

Even back when I smoked, I could smell a heavy gin drinker from across the room...long after the drink was gone. It comes out through the skin.

[Newman]

Lots and lots of people just love to drink, say, Guinness. I find a beer that one has to drink by utilizing a knife and fork to be absurd

That number would include me, and I've often described it as a whole wheat bread milkshake. But I have to add that virtually every other very dark beer, or stout, or craft novelty, is loathsome. I've visited festivals, breweries, specialty restaurants, tasting parties, etc,, and beyond the often pleasant novelty in a sample taste, none sustain interest for even a 12 oz. bottle.

Similarly I am done with "craft beers." What you write about mixed drinks applies to craft beers:

Barmen across the world are forever tinkering with this or that in and attempt to come up with some new recipe that will take the world by storm, becoming the next Margarita or whatever. But with very little exception, they are actually spectacular failures, IMO.

I discovered recently that a "bar and grill" place I'm playing in regularly doesn't carry regular Budweiser. Only Bud Lite, or Ultra Light, whatever that is. Not even in cans. What a sad commentary that is. The "King of Beers" is no more. Can no one taste the difference between Bud and Bud Lite?

I feel about that the same way I feel about going into an expensive restaurant (thinking of a cheap relative of mine). Don't go in and try to slink through ordering toast and tea. Go when you can afford to enjoy what they offer. Don't belly up to the bar and order ultra lite swill. Have a damn beer.